2 Lines

Dear Crosby,

It was one year ago today that I discovered your existence. I got up to go to the bathroom in the morning and those 2 lines appeared. Those 2 lines were so exciting, so surreal. I woke your Daddy right up and we both couldn't stop smiling. Then you grew and grew.  I look back on pictures of myself pregnant and think, 

Wow, that was Crosby in there all along. 

That whole time that was you! I get emotional just thinking about it. 

I love you so much.  

It's cliche to say, but I cannot imagine my life without you. I feel so blessed when I look at you and think, 

That is my son! I have a son and I get to keep him forever. 

Some days we cuddle in the biscuit for hours (not often enough though) and we just stare at each other. I love the way you look at me and then look at you Daddy and then you get the biggest smile on your face as if to say, 

Hey guys, I know you, I love ya'll! 

It melts my heart. You melt my heart. I've said it before but sometimes it feels like my heart will explode over how much I love you. I love seeing things as you see them. I love having you with me everyday. (Bubbers... Momma's got tears in her eyes right now just writing this).

I've cried more than I normally do in the past three and half months. I cried when you were born. I cried  those first two weeks when you were so hungry and couldn't get full because we didn't know you had CF. I cried when you were diagnosed with CF. I cried when I had to go back to work. I cry when you seem not yourself. I cry when I think time is going by too fast. I cried the other week when I had to pack up all your little newborn outfits. I cry when I think that your tiny little hands are the same hands that will be strong, manly hands like your Daddy's someday. Mommas can cry pretty easily. Having little babies makes us really vulnerable. 

I love watching you change and grow. I  love watching you make new discoveries and marvel at the world. You just noticed your feet the other day and you could not stop looking at them. You stare and stare as if to say, 

Wow, look at these! They are my feet! 

You are so full of wonder. 

I love your little personality. I love the way you want to be with me all the time and you settle down immediately when I hold you in my arms. I love how joyful you can be and grin right back and your Daddy and I when we grin at you. I love your fiery little spirit and how you let us know when you're not happy. I know your cries are just your way of communicating and I respect that. I tell you when you're upset, 

It's okay, Crozzie. You're just having some feelings. It's okay to tell Momma about them.  

I was forever changed by those 2 lines that showed up a year ago. Changed for the better. Changed for good. Crosby, you were wanted, you are loved and you are adored. You have brought so much joy into our lives. We're so lucky to have you. I'm so lucky to have you. Way before you were born, your Pappy told me that having babies is the greatest gift and raising children is the meaning of life. I didn't know what he was talking about. But now I do. You've showed me my purpose, sweet boy. My life battle will be fighting for you. And I will fight until I breathe my last breath. I love you forever and ever and ever, Crosby. Thank you for being mine. 

To the Moon,

Momma

The first time we met.