Dad's Birthday

Today is my Dad's birthday. I'm not quite sure why it being his birthday stings, but it does. I guess I just miss him and the date is a glaring reminder that he is not here.

Most days, I'm happy and productive and I think about my Dad with a smile on my face. Other days, I wake up from having a dream about my Dad and I'm moody as hell. Some days, I nearly forget that my father died at all. Other times, I'm angry that people who are twice my age still have their fathers. Or I'm resentful of people who are my age who take having their dads around for granted. Once, I silently cried at my desk at work while I overheard a coworker talking to his father on the phone. When older people who have lost a parent reached out to me and told me they understand, I appreciated the sentiment, but they can't possibly understand the full depth of what I experienced. Losing an elderly parent after your own children are grown is not the same thing as losing your dad before your children are born.

A while back I bought the sweetest little book for Crosby, Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman. My Dad understood the importance of explaining to your children (to everybody, really) the unconditional and immeasurable love you have for them. He did that repeatedly and consistently for both me and my sister (as did my Mom!). I think that is his legacy. I am so grateful  that my parents loved me powerfully, unconditionally. No matter what challenges I face, that is source of confidence. I hope I am passing that on.

Here is some of the beautiful, moving text and if I close my eyes, I can hear him saying the words:

I wanted you more

than you ever will know

so I sent love to follow

wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.

You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...

climb up to the sky!

My love will find you.

My love can fly!

...

And if someday you're lonely, 

or someday you're sad, 

or you strike out at baseball, 

or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.

That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

...

If you're still my small babe
or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling,

my star... and my love will find you,
wherever you are.

~ Nancy Tillman

Happy Birthday, Daddy.

Love,

Your Princess