Dad's Birthday

Today is my Dad's birthday. I'm not quite sure why it being his birthday stings, but it does. I guess I just miss him and the date is a glaring reminder that he is not here.

Most days, I'm happy and productive and I think about my Dad with a smile on my face. Other days, I wake up from having a dream about my Dad and I'm moody as hell. Some days, I nearly forget that my father died at all. Other times, I'm angry that people who are twice my age still have their fathers. Or I'm resentful of people who are my age who take having their dads around for granted. Once, I silently cried at my desk at work while I overheard a coworker talking to his father on the phone. When older people who have lost a parent reached out to me and told me they understand, I appreciated the sentiment, but they can't possibly understand the full depth of what I experienced. Losing an elderly parent after your own children are grown is not the same thing as losing your dad before your children are born.

A while back I bought the sweetest little book for Crosby, Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman. My Dad understood the importance of explaining to your children (to everybody, really) the unconditional and immeasurable love you have for them. He did that repeatedly and consistently for both me and my sister (as did my Mom!). I think that is his legacy. I am so grateful  that my parents loved me powerfully, unconditionally. No matter what challenges I face, that is source of confidence. I hope I am passing that on.

Here is some of the beautiful, moving text and if I close my eyes, I can hear him saying the words:

I wanted you more

than you ever will know

so I sent love to follow

wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.

You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...

climb up to the sky!

My love will find you.

My love can fly!

...

And if someday you're lonely, 

or someday you're sad, 

or you strike out at baseball, 

or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.

That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

...

If you're still my small babe
or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling,

my star... and my love will find you,
wherever you are.

~ Nancy Tillman

Happy Birthday, Daddy.

Love,

Your Princess

That life-sustaining love

I was recently chasing rabbits down holes of the internet and stumbled upon an interview with Elizabeth Smart. She was talking about her foundation for children who have been victims of violent crimes. She also spoke openly about her kidnapping, the 9 months she spent captive, and her eventual rescue. When the interviewer asked what the secret was to her survival, she answered without hesitation that it was the love of her mother.

Elizabeth explained that during her darkest hours under the control of  an insane, cruel man, she kept remembering the words of her mother: I will always love you. No. Matter. What. Her mother had often told her that she would love her no matter what she does, where she goes, or how many mistakes she makes. During her capture, Elizabeth often thought that no one would ever want her, even if she was rescued. She said at one point that she was ready to give up because she felt dirty and worthless. Then she remembered her mother's promise that she would always love her and that gave her hope. Elizabeth thought of her mother's words and decided that was worth living for.

Talk about inspiring! The love we pour into our children is life-sustaining. The love we give to them on a daily basis, can later carry them out of darkness.

This story also made me think of a friend of mine whose little girl has spent much of her first 3 years, fighting for her life. Emma and Jerilyn are two of the toughest, bravest chicks I know. Jerilyn always talks about Emma being her hero, smiling through the pain and Emma's sheer determination to survive. I can't help but think in all those scary moments where Emma defied the odds and said, "No, not today. Today, I keep going," that she mustered that last effort that turned it all around from looking at her Momma's face and seeing and feeling all the love that Jerilyn pours into her. It's life-sustaining I tell ya!

I want Crosby to always know that no matter what, I will always love him. So I am going to lay it on thick everyday. I'm going to look into his eyes, hug his neck, cup his cheeks, kiss his lips, hold his hand. I'm going to touch his heart.

And hopefully, someday, when it matters most, he will hear my voice in his head. Maybe he will be on the cusp of a life-changing decision. Maybe he will be fighting his way back from illness. Maybe he will be deciding, like Elizabeth or Emma, to survive. No matter what the circumstance he finds himself, I hope he remembers, I will always love you. No. Matter. What.

Love,

Carmen

Baby Daddy

So, the decision is pretty much split 50/50 on who Crosby looks like. Some people swear it's me and others think that Croz is Lance's mini. 

For me, I see both and I see neither. And it changes all the time.

But the other day, when I was staring at Crosby, trying to figure out if he had my eyes or Lance's mouth, I thought about the significance of us sharing a love, our child. Crosby is the physical evidence of our love for one another. He is part of both of us, all wrapped into one.

Marriage is a lot of things. It's a struggle, a sacrifice, a journey and a joy. I think one of the best parts is sharing the love you have for your child with your life partner. There is an unbelievable bond in creating and raising a child together, a beautiful thread that connects the two of you for life.

Baby Daddy, I'm so glad you're both mine.

 

Love,

Carmen

Little Mr. Magic & Baby Daddy

Every girl says it, but I'm going to say it again: watching Lance love and take care of our baby is one of the most attractive things he'll ever do. These boys of mine have a special relationship. This is my tribute to that bond. Happy Father's day to my Baby Daddy.

{Adapted from Little Miss Magic by Jimmy Buffet}

Constantly amazed by the blades of the fan on the ceiling

The clever little glances he gives me can't help but be appealing

He loves to ride into town with the top down

Feel that warm breeze on his gentle skin

He is my next of kin

I see a little more of me everyday

I catch a little more of me turning gray

Your mother is still the only woman for me

Little Mr. Magic, what you gonna be?

 

I catch him dreamin and wonder where that little mind meanders

Is he strollin along the shore or cruisin over the broad savannah

I know someday he'll learn to make up his own rhymes

Someday he's gonna learn how to fly

Oh that I wont deny

I catch a little more dialogue comin my way

I see those big blue eyes just start to lookin astray

Your mother is still the only woman for me

Little Mr. Magic, what you gonna be?

 

Little Mr. Magic, what you gonna be?

Little Mr. Crosby, just you wait and see!

Love,

Carmen

Two Years

June 9, 2012.

I didn't think it was possible, but I love him more today than I did on that day two years ago. Love isn't easy. In fact, it's something that you have to work hard at, or it could so easily slip away. But it's worth it.

Balance. Isn't that the best way to approach life? Lance and I balance each other out. Lance is the calm to my storm. God knew what He was doing when He put him in my life.

I don't know what I would do without him.

This past year and half has been hard. Stressful.

When I'm down and ready to give up, he always pulls me back in.

Lance, I love you more than I can explain. And even if I could, you wouldn't want me to write about it on here. :) 

There is truly no one I would rather be on this road with than you.

Happy Anniversary.

Love,

-Carmen