Feeling all the Feels

{If postpartum discussions don't apply to you, annoy you or bore you, you may want to skip this one.}

As Crosby's first birthday is fast approaching {along with all the pressure surrounding planning a perfect first birthday - damn you Pinterest}, I have been thinking back on all kinds of memories before, during and after his birth. Lance and I were discussing the after part a few nights ago and looking back, it's easy to see that I had some postpartum depression going on. 

Anyone who knows me, or who has been reading this blog, knows that i'm not at all uncomfortable with feeling all the feelings. I am a sensitive soul and I am a feeler! I also don't have a problem with letting the world know how I feel.

However, after giving birth, it was difficult to feel all the feelings... ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I decided to write this down here so that I remember and I think now that enough time has elapsed, I have a better perspective of what I experienced. I sometimes hold back from sharing certain personal things on here, but perhaps there is an off chance this may benefit someone else, a new mom, mom-to-be, or maybe their partners.

After giving birth, I experienced very conflicting emotions.

I was feeling both indescribable joy at the birth of my baby, alongside heavy grief surrounding the absence of my dad.

I experienced anxiety about the tiny, helpless human being who now depends on me for everything, but also an over-powering momma-bear protectiveness.

I battled feeling totally alone and isolated, all the while knowing and appreciating how incredibly supportive Lance was.

Add in some sleep deprivation and I had myself one free ride on the crazy train.

Hormones, goodness.

I think the absolute worst, for me, was the ever-present knowledge that my time with Crosby before I had to go back to work was so very very brief. I desperately wanted to soak it all up, hold him every second, remember every expression, every movement, to notice every change and watch him grow, to memorize his perfect face and shut out everything that dared to interrupt. I was well aware of the ticking clock of my maternity leave and was preparing for the overwhelming amount of emotional healing and sadness that I would be dealing with once I was away from Crosby. I needed space and I felt that intrusions into our sacred bonding time were stealing from me - literally robbing me of the finite time I had with my baby. 

And, I think all of that was good and I think that was okay.

I needed to feel all those feelings and store everything in my heart and not succumb to pressure to share it. 

Probably most of us have heard the warnings on postpartum that sometimes mothers have a hard time bonding after birth due to hormones, but no one warned me of the opposite. No one said that you could have a rush of protection and anxiety... that just the thought of visitors wanting to come see us could make a huge lump well up in my throat. Tears instantly. I felt panicky and threatened. And this didn't subside easily. 

Other mommas have told me that they felt similarly. So I don't think I am crazy or alone here. That being said, if you did not feel the way I felt, I think that's ok too. Every momma is different and pregnancy and birth affect people in different ways. I think that it's important to show love and support, no matter what a new momma is experiencing or needing.

I just needed some time. And, so did Crosby.

We, as humans, are not designed for mother and baby separation at the age most working moms return to work. In fact, the survival of the human race can be attributed to the biological and chemical connection between mother and child. Humans are a species whose existence is genetically rooted in the strong mutual dependency between mom and baby. We would be extinct without it and I desperately recognized this fact, at least subconsciously.

All that was also compounded by the fear and unknown when he was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis at 15 days old.

It was all so, so overwhelming.

It was a rough time but better days were ahead. He grew and grew and my emotions evened out. And with Lance by my side, we found our way. 

As Natalie would say, "this too shall pass." And so it did.

Crosby was definitely worth feelings all the feels. And who wouldn't be possessive over these chunky thighs?!?  :)

Love,

Carmen